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I am nothing. I am a single grain of sand amongst billions. I am a single voice within a crowd. I am human, I am god, I am here, and this is what I have to say:

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Searching for Pluto (part 1)

Nothing in life ever works out the way you want it to. In fact, wanting something to work out is a sure-fire way to ensure that something doesn’t happen. I knew this because every time I wanted something prior to this I had watched it fall apart. I guess a lifetime of failing to get what you want can make you cynical. I don’t know.
I did know, however, that it wasn’t going to work out for me this time, just as much as it never worked out for me before. I knew it even before I committed myself to see it through, but I didn’t care. Well, that’s wrong. I did care. I just couldn’t stop myself.
So I packed my bags. I sold my car for a lot less than it was worth. It wasn’t worth a whole lot, but definitely a lot more than I got it for it. It didn’t matter. It got me the bus ticket I needed, and all that really mattered was that I had to follow her.
I didn’t even know if she wanted me to, but I knew that I had to, because things were just so damned complicated and life was just so damned messy that if I didn’t, if I didn’t go, I’d always wonder, and I’d think, and I’d hate myself more than I already did with my wondering.
So I sold everything I owned for a measly three hundred-fifty dollars and bought myself a handle of whiskey, a carton of cigarettes, and a bus ticket to a city thirty hours away. It may as well have been half the world, or the whole world, or two worlds. It could have been Pluto.
It felt so far away as I waited half the day at the bus station. I had kept one of my guitars, but I ended up drinking a third of the handle and chain smoking so playing was the last thing on my mind. Actually I couldn’t think of anything other than the fact that I had no idea how she was going to take seeing me again. She’d be surprised, I was sure. I was also sure I’d been a complete fucking idiot. Did I really just sell everything for a bus ticket and a good solid day of drunkenness?
I was definitely a fucking idiot. People don’t fall in love anymore, love died right beside kindness around the same time greed and selfishness took over. We lived in a world where love is a toy to be played with and everyone was so damned self-centered no one bothered to see it anymore when it looked them in the eye.
That’s why she moved half the world away, and that’s why I was bound and determined to go after her. Someone had to prove the world wrong.

4 comments:

Brian, the old man said...

Very vivid and powerful. I enjoyed reading this and it has left me wanting to read more. Thanks.

AmberInGlass said...

Thanks, Brian. I'm gonna keep working on it slowly here and there. It's kinda my NaNoWriMo project, though I have no real intention of being finished by the 30th. Too many other things going on, I'm afraid. I'll update as progress continues.

Uninvoked said...

What happens next? O.O

AmberInGlass said...

So... I totally wrote about ten more pages for this story and forgot to save,and totally let my computer crash as I was trying to put the update onto the blog... Sigh...