Before the river floats you down.

Oh, I guess I should have seen it was over, by the fire that was in the skies, and I probably really should have been sober, but it was the quickest way to eat the lies. So I laugh as I choke and am bleeding, as the knife twists in my side. It’s just the words and their speakers that are fleeting, and memories they all subside. I guess I should have seen it was over, but the coins had already covered my eyes.

Aim, at the Water's Surface

Thoughts have turned to rocks and fallen into pockets. Held beneath the surface, drowned within the weighted absence. They may still be right here, but without semblance to their former selves.

Cut into high, just another burden bleeding out. Weight misplaced. Let it burden something else.

The water likes to run, as pockets filled, pulled pebbles into sand-like-mud. And everything's relapsed, as thoughts have turned to sand and within they have collapsed.

Cut into high, some one come and cut this burden out. Weightless place. Let it burden something else.

Stones skip the surface of a pond where counting seven ripples observes that despite their majestic arcs gliding across the water; rocks, like thoughts, still fall and sink to the bottom where they become nothing and meaningless

and then become food for something else.

Beautiful Reconstruction

You see,

Nothing is consistent, not even being beautifully destroyed;

Our fate was cast, it had already been chosen, and everything we ever did all amounted up yet gover'n', so we stood our ground and claimed "We've been deceived!", and this how the answer put us on our knees:

'cause the time had come, but we refused to see, we still all thought we each were better than he. So the skies stayed empty, the world stayed closed, and each cried murder, to all of those.

Well ,the skies opened up, and the clouds dropped in, the heavens cried out and tears washed in; just another mourning for those living within; "just another morning for us, let us beg for our sin."

'cause the time had come, one we should have conceived, but we handed over everything and pissed it through our knees. It was time to pay the maker now she said "You have been deceased."

And all we could think to do was stare up and say "Please?"

Well the skies opened up but the gates were closed, "all them mother fuckers looking down their nose," all of which were just trying to see "which one of I, am I better than… These?"

'Cause the time had come we had been diseased. We have raped, plundered, and beaten everything down 'till it bleeds; we've been raped and plundered beaten, even down to our knees, but the time is well past to confess our woe...

It’s time to head forward; it’s time to go.

So the skies opened up and the floods rushed in, and the world started burning from a fire within; everything it has to perish before it can be cleansed.

That’s the beauty of a story of inconsistencies and strife,
the beauty of the dying and in death, there’s after, life.


...you see our fate was cast it had already been chosen.

Rest and Relaxation

Sometimes I think I shouldn't be left alone. Other times I can't wait to be rid of these people. I guess it all depends on the contents of the day.

Like what they served for breakfast.
"Man, that orange sausage again?" Someone would say.
"Yeah, and yesterday's eggs."
"Ah well, at least the banana is fresh."
"Yeah, but you better give it to Betsy, she likes bananas."

Short one banana later, I'd pick at the eggs for our allotted thirty minutes and throw the meal away. They didn't like it when I didn't eat my meals, but they didn't like a lot of things.

I really couldn't stand any of them. They made my skin crawl, and I couldn't bare the thought to be without them. The nurse who stabbed me in the arm in the middle of each night. The tech and how she watches, making me stand there, before her, as I swallow the rainbow assortment of pills she gives me. The smelly kid that sits alone and only plays puzzles. The girl with the scars that looked like mine.

I came to rely on all of them. They had become a part of my daily life, my routine. They had become a part of me. All of them, whether I wanted them to or not.

I hated that part of me. I hated everything about it. I hated myself, naturally everything that made me what I was. It was why I wanted to be left alone. It made me need them even more, driving me to hate myself further.

It was one giant interrelated circle of self loathing and negativity, and it was the only thing keeping me alive. I couldn't be self destructive because they were always watching, always there, a burning lifeline of insanity.

And then they kicked me out.

Tribute to MLK Jr.

I wrote this weeks in advance with the intentions of posting it on January 15th, because January 15 happens to be a very important day. Of course, I misplaced the notebook and only found it today, but late is better than never. Here are some words I wrote in commemoration of the late Martin Luther King Jr. who happened to be born on the same day as myself.

I believe that my beliefs don't matter. I believe that everyone should be allowed to be themselves, and I believe that the natural progression of life will eventually sort it's way out.

Until that time comes, I believe it is our responsibility as humans to be honest, respectful, and to own up to our actions. I believe it is our duty, as human beings, living upon Earth, to take responsibility, to stand up, and to become stronger, kinder, people.

I believe that we must help our neighbors, be them friends or enemies, selflessly. I believe that if we are to survive we must learn tolerance. Tolerance of all things, not just color or sexual preference. Tolerance of life.

I believe that we have all forgotten of what it means to be tolerant of life. Throw away your debit and credits, step outside. Take off those expensive sneakers and step out onto the ground. Walk barefoot down the driveway to an empty mailbox, or is it one filled with empty bills, because we all know real mail stopped coming long ago.

It hurts. That's life. Feel the stones beneath your feet. Feel your feet strengthen beneath the weight of your body. That's life too. Get out and get in it and live.

I believe we have been living dead in this life for far too long and now it is time to grow.

-That's my thoughts.
AiG

"Make yourself as small as possible. Then grow." -Anonymous

World Aflame

"They have to go and save themselves," said Charlemagne Ulrick, a dentist in Port-au-Prince in the aftermath of Haiti's devastating quake. "I don't know when they're coming back." He was referring to his children, after he sent them off to a different part of the country, in hopes of survival.

His words should weigh heavily upon all our hearts. After all, isn't it true that we all have to go and save ourselves? Can we really sit around and expect someone else to come our way and solve our problems? Of course not.

Sure, some people can help, but in the end, whether we succeed or fail all depends on one thing and one thing only--ourselves. We are all guilty of carrying this mentality. It is exactly why we are all so self-centered and the world is as bad as it is today.

We've all been burned so many times by everyone around us, or we've been brainwashed into that not-good-enough attitude that we've grown up being bombarded with by the media and the government. We have been taught, or convinced, that no one in the world can help us except ourselves.

Why else is there so much violence and rioting in the wake of any natural disaster? Disasters are just that--disastrous--and they come in all shapes and sizes. When they strike people suffer, and when people suffer they are at their worst. It is that single idea that no one can help me but me that drives us all to madness.

It's really damn sad. What happened to mankind as a whole that we've ceased to see the entire world around us and started seeing the world as a simple extension of ourselves? Why can't we get passed our egotistical way of thinking? Or has it always been in our nature to center life upon ourselves?

I have no answers, but kudos to those that are lifting their hands to help, even if they are turning blind eyes to all the suffering going on around us every day. Kudos to those that give back to the world where and what they can. Never mind that what one person can give may completely dwarf someone else's lesser contribution. Let's all look to Haiti right now, because, obviously their problems are a lot worse then everyone else's and it is easier to lend a hand to someone that is not your neighbor.

Broken

Is it true we're all just damaged goods? Pushed aside and swept away. Show me your scars and I'll tell you all about mine. Laughing hysterically at the pain. Thinking god, just delete, just delete this. Delete everything. Erase, backspace, try again. Start over. There is no starting over. Broken and bound and determined to exist when all there is to gain is failure. Where has my mind gone? I don't even know. My focus has gone to shit. I think the infection has set into my brain. The poison spreads unchecked and everything it all decays.