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I am nothing. I am a single grain of sand amongst billions. I am a single voice within a crowd. I am human, I am god, I am here, and this is what I have to say:

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A dialogue with myself...

I am human, imperfect and fallible.
I set goals for myself well beyond my grasp,
I reach upward, grasp air, and fail.
I am human and prone to stumble.
I stand, adjust, evaluate, and build,
steps that reach my goal,
and then I climb them,
because I am human,
determined and capable.
-6/10/09-


So why do I need to have this conversation with myself? There are several reasons, in truth. The most immediate of which I would say is because I had recently picked June 1st as my cigarette cut off date. I've been a heavy smoker for well over the past ten years of my life. I know, I know, trust me I know; it stinks, it's unhealthy, and it's a waste of money, yet for some reason I love it. Despite that, I am determined to kick this habit. I could easily get side tracked here, so let me try really hard to stay on subject.

I couldn't go twenty-four hours on June 1st without smoking. I broke down and bought a pack and as I sat there and gave into my addiction I thought about how I could make it happen, yes I stumbled trying to reach for my goal. I even did alot of self-deprecation feeling miserable and angry and weak for giving in.

It's easy to hate yourself when you fail. It is not easy to get up and rationalize about why you failed, how you failed, and what you can do about it so that you can reach your goal without failing again. It is not easy at all. Alot of people might give up after they fall, and stay lying in the dirt so to speak, but if you are really determined you won't.

So I got up off the dirt and kept my goal of quitting smoking, but decided a plan on how to do that. It worked for almost a week. I stuck to the plan very well and then yesterday, or the day before, I'm not even sure anymore, I fell again.

Sometime's life is just like that. You keep trying hard to do something and you keep feeling like you are only failing. It is alot easier to be angry with yourself and angry with life for being so damned hard sometimes than it is for you to see that you are improving. It is also very easy to lose sight of your goals and write them off as impossible. Well if you'll excuse an old cliche nothing is impossible.

I spent some time beating myself up for failing to reach my goal in the span of ten days and what I overlooked is that in ten days I have gone from smoking roughly two packs a day to roughly two cigarettes a day. It has been difficult, but now, I realize I'm very close to my goal. The steps might be getting steeper, but I sure can climb 'em if I just keep going.

So I wrote this blog as a reminder to myself and as I was writing it, I realized that even though it was written in the context of smoking, well it really falls into my writing as well. I've been putting off working on my novel for a little while now.

At first I had some really good excuses. At least I convinced myself I did. Then, I just started putting it off and the excuses got as flimsy as wet toilet paper. Now, I don't even remember why I'm putting it off. So as soon as I finish this I'm going to jump back in it head first, because I realize now that I had lost sight of my goal.

So before I go, I just want to say for anyone that is trying to accomplish something for themselves, be it getting cigarettes out of your life, writing a book, or anything else under the sun, don't beat yourself up when you stumble. It's all part of the process. More importantly, don't lose sight of your goal.

Care to share your thoughts?

6 comments:

Rebecca said...

Sometimes being human is teh best thing, shall we say imperfections and all?

AmberInGlass said...

It is certainly what living is all about isn't it?

BeckyJoie at Leaders in Learning said...

I love your poem! Thanks for the invite to visit your blog. It contains a nice variety. I look forward to reading more.

AmberInGlass said...

Thank you, BeckyJoie for visiting me as well, and for taking the time to leave a comment. I'll be updating this blog on a regular basis so I do hope you come back again.

Rob said...

Great blog, man.
My brother has always been a longtime smoker, even his girlfriends were smokers. My sis is a smoker. My dad is a smoker. I don't smoke.

But here's something that might give you some inspiration. My brother, as I said, is a heavy smoker. Now he's been able to quit solid for nearly three weeks. He said he's trying to stay healthy and exercise and feels that smoking would defeat the purpose. He also revealed that he noticed a difference in his apartment. When he would smoke in the front room, it would get dustier. He'd have to clean it constantly. When he stopped, he only had to clean the front room twice a week. So there are great benefits to not smoking.

AmberInGlass said...

Thanks, Rob. Good for you for being around so many smokers and not picking it up yourself. You are definately right about there being alot of benefits. Thanks for helping to remind me of them.