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It is the resolve to want to be together, despite the fear of contact with another, a desire to push through the ambiguous loneliness, and be something more. A willingness to hurt and be hurt, to love and be loved, and all the joys and sorrows that come along with it. It is the want to feel alive; to peek out from under our rocks and find out that maybe, maybe sometime's life just isn't as complicated as we all make it out to be. Maybe some things good really do just come our way when we least expect it. The key is to see it before it passes by, and knowing when to hold on.

Searching for Pluto (part 1)

Nothing in life ever works out the way you want it to. In fact, wanting something to work out is a sure-fire way to ensure that something doesn’t happen. I knew this because every time I wanted something prior to this I had watched it fall apart. I guess a lifetime of failing to get what you want can make you cynical. I don’t know.
I did know, however, that it wasn’t going to work out for me this time, just as much as it never worked out for me before. I knew it even before I committed myself to see it through, but I didn’t care. Well, that’s wrong. I did care. I just couldn’t stop myself.
So I packed my bags. I sold my car for a lot less than it was worth. It wasn’t worth a whole lot, but definitely a lot more than I got it for it. It didn’t matter. It got me the bus ticket I needed, and all that really mattered was that I had to follow her.
I didn’t even know if she wanted me to, but I knew that I had to, because things were just so damned complicated and life was just so damned messy that if I didn’t, if I didn’t go, I’d always wonder, and I’d think, and I’d hate myself more than I already did with my wondering.
So I sold everything I owned for a measly three hundred-fifty dollars and bought myself a handle of whiskey, a carton of cigarettes, and a bus ticket to a city thirty hours away. It may as well have been half the world, or the whole world, or two worlds. It could have been Pluto.
It felt so far away as I waited half the day at the bus station. I had kept one of my guitars, but I ended up drinking a third of the handle and chain smoking so playing was the last thing on my mind. Actually I couldn’t think of anything other than the fact that I had no idea how she was going to take seeing me again. She’d be surprised, I was sure. I was also sure I’d been a complete fucking idiot. Did I really just sell everything for a bus ticket and a good solid day of drunkenness?
I was definitely a fucking idiot. People don’t fall in love anymore, love died right beside kindness around the same time greed and selfishness took over. We lived in a world where love is a toy to be played with and everyone was so damned self-centered no one bothered to see it anymore when it looked them in the eye.
That’s why she moved half the world away, and that’s why I was bound and determined to go after her. Someone had to prove the world wrong.

What is this being?

Sometimes it can be hard to take too much in at once, overwhelming really. Or perhaps the truth is always just too hard to see? And what of the thoughts that can’t be put to words and pictures and feelings and what of, what of--just being? What of that fear of being cut too deep? What of the things that are on the tip of your tongue bursting to be free? The things that you just want to scream so clearly you can taste them floating in your mouth and yet you can’t find the words. What of being so elated your heart could just stop beating? What of putting thoughts to words and words to thoughts. What of letting go of thought and only feeling. What is this world? What is this—just being?

Beneath the Sky

I haven't forgotten the blog, or abandoned you. I've just been very, very busy. I could keep you entertained with a list of excuses, but really, I don't feel like writing them, so why should anyone want to read it. Instead here's something I wrote today that will just have to suffice until I can put the time and thought into blogging once again.

There was a wind and the water made waves
lapping on our legs as we discarded clothes,
and our voices sang in laughter
drowning in the stars above
and for just that moment we were alone in the world.
Salt-sprayed lips,
unspoken words,
sealed with a kiss,
dancing amid the waves naked and alone.
And the stars themselves they mirrored us,
tiny and alone to our eyes,
blanketed by space and city glow
bouncing their light just to say hello
as we played beneath the sky
in the waves and the wind,
looking back like stars and wondering,
'where did we begin?'

Things to Learn Over 1,200 Miles: Part 1

So recently, as some of you undoubtedly know, I had to take a little trip back to my home town. To do this I decided to drive. As things worked out, I made the twelve hundred-mile-plus trip alone. Why did I decide to do it with as few stops as possible? The only answer I can come up with is “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I did it. It was very much like a religious experience. In fact I think of it being much akin with a Muslim Hajj to Mecca. Like a Hajj, I think it was something most likely only to be experienced once.

I did however have quite a few epiphanies along the way. I learned a couple things about life and, well, about driving long distances. Let’s say, driving twelve hundred miles over the period of slightly more than twenty hours, kind of long distances. Stop only to get gas and relieve my biological function. Preferably at the same time, hey, I won’t even begin to talk about some of the country gas stations I saw along the way. You can thank me for that, and I’ll thank you for not asking me to elaborate further.

Anyway, here are some of the things I learned that I do wish to elaborate on:

1) Cruising along at 70 mph (the legal speed limit where I was I might add), any sudden changes to course trajectory can and will easily lead to a compact car being up on two wheels. Allow me to explain. Prior to embarking on my trip, I slept the entire day--quite literally, actually. I finally woke up around 11pm and was out on the road at midnight.

Over tiredness was not an issue, because, as it was I was quite refreshed. The issue was however, that it was dark and the road was not perfectly flat rendering it physically impossible for me to have seen the thing in the road that was about to make me panic, beforehand.

So, I haven’t been living in Florida for very much time in the scheme of things and to me, it feels like it has not been long at all. I keep telling myself the reason I haven’t met many friends down here is because I haven’t been here long, and not because I spend all my time sitting alone at home writing something, but I digress… Anyway, as an avid appreciator of all wildlife, and having known for some time that the South Florida climate was their home habitat, I have always wanted to see an armadillo.

I never wanted to see one like this, however--large and gray like a giant boulder, suddenly looming up before me in the middle of the road, mere feet ahead of my car. With no chance to break in time I hit them anyway and swerved my vehicle. That was a mistake, and leads me to,

2) If a poor dumb animal, creature, obstruction , or human ever suddenly appears out in front of your car while cruising at 70mph and with no time to break—HIT THE POOR DUMB BASTARD! I can’t stress that last part enough. And I meant it when I said I love wildlife. It always pains me to see dead animals, humans… meh.



But anyway, I swerved, and suddenly, my life was no longer in my control, my car was up on two wheels, I could tell by the way the road suddenly slanted in the view of my windshield, and I was driving towards the side of the highway, where fortunately a lot of trees were close at hand waiting to catch me.

Instinct, or panic, or some other mighty influence guided my hand as I cut the wheel the other way. Fortunately, I was already breaking, and I heard a loud thump below me as the road righted itself in my field of vision, but now, I was heading towards the big solid, median between the separate lanes of the highway.

I cut the wheel back again and the car straightened in the lane, albeit it was the complete opposite lane of where I had started, but it was straight and the view from my windshield was clear from any obstructions. I continued on my way, with the lesson well learned. Should something ever step out in front of my car again at 70mph, with no chance of breaking to save it, I will hit the poor dumb bastard head on. It’s either that, or risk serious injury.

I continued on my way, carefully finding my way back to 70mph. It was now 2am and I had only been driving for two hours. With over eighteen more to go, I realized I was off for a great start.
(To be continued…)

Has anyone else ever had a really interesting experience while on a road trip? How do you feel about road trips in general? Are they something that should always be avoided, or do you love them when the circumstances are correct? Would you be willing to spend twenty hours in a car alone?

Give me your thoughts so I can devour them like candy and respond as necessary. Does anyone else feel Halloween approaching or is it just me?

Hi.

Hello, I'm Andrew's slacker friend/"domainatrix," Svetlana. He wrote a blog post a while ago and asked if I could provide you guys with a "special treat" to accompany it.

This has resulted in said post collecting digital dust in my inbox while waiting to be published. Andrew has been very patient but is understandably worried about disappointing followers due to lack of updates. So, followers, please do not be disappointed in him. Rather, prepare thyselves for impending epic surprises within the week.

P.S. You should also tell him how awesome you think "Svetlana Vladislavovna Doubova" is for my pen name.

FYI

I started a book review blog for anyone that's interested you can find it here A Cynic's Reading. Feel free to come by and start a discussion. Or just hurl words at me, whichever floats your fancy.

That's just one of the treats in store this season. The other one is still on its way. I think. ;-P